Wednesday, August 02, 2006

The importance of a good ass-kicking.

I’ve had my ass kicked a few times. Probably not enough times. I’ve done a little asskicking of my own. There is something primal and stupid about violence. It accomplishes very little. However, among the few things it accomplishes is a reminder of one’s own frailty. An ass-kicking is a taste of failure, at its purest.

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Drunk Buck thinks he’s tough shit. Lifts weights a bunch. Was on his high school football team or whatever. People tell him he’s the coolest. Likes to drink a bunch of crappy domestic beer. One night Buck drinks too many crappy domestic beers and takes umbrage at the attitude of a bouncer at a night club. Big dude doesn’t look so tough. Buck could fucking take him. Buck starts something he can’t finish. Buck is shown what tough shit is really all about. Buck is beaten, and embarrassed in front of his friends. He withdraws. He becomes depressed. He calls in sick. He begins to wonder is he was ever really tough at all. He may be prone to bouts of crying. He’ll certainly hold himself in different regard in the future, one can hope.

This phenomenon has a mirror in the animal world. Depression follows a beating and the defeated male withdraws to lick its wounds. It is, in that savage setting, essential less an injured combatant return before ready and risk further injury or death, eliminating its chance to procreate and pass its genes down the line.

Humans of course are animals, albeit amazingly sophisticated in many aspects of behavior and interaction. As such, not all asskicking needs to be of the sort poor Buck experienced, although the Bucks of the world do deserve an honest physical retort to their crude outlook, a reminder of the frailty of the human body, the danger of the human ego.

An asskicking could be defined by range of experiences common in day-to-day contemporary life. Being dismissed from a job. Rejected by a lover. Being chastised by a client, or a superior. Any action whose result is the deflation of hubris and a more careful consideration of self. It is a painful experience, but one which is sure to make a difference in considering one’s actions.

Look at every asshole you know. What they need, most likely, is a good asskicking. Seriously. You’ve seen people who’ve waltzed through life without every having someone say to them: “What the fuck is YOUR problem!? Don’t you know you’re an asshole and that you piss off everyone around you!?” It could be quite a curative thing, I suspect.

Buck is to bargoing cretins, what thousands are to their employees, subordinates, service staff, even the regular guy on the street. Swaggering, thoughtless, egomanical. And desperately in need of some sort of awakening.

I propose a federal bureau of asskicking. It could be part of the IRS. Claim your dependants. Claim the jerks who need a swift kick in the ass. Every American can submit three names a year, and have waved all potential assault and battery charges.

Sir…based on our records, you had it coming. Please feel free to fill out form 234B for an ice pack.

Say…does that sound fascist? It shouldn’t. It should only apply to biggest assholes of all. If someone only beat up Goebbles every time he thought he was helping build a master race, maybe he’d begin to question his superiority and take up knitting or something more tame than genocide. Imagine a certain former Haliburton CEO, taken down just a few pegs. Maybe he could use his powers for good instead of evil? Who knows? Such possibilities.

Hey, I’m against corporal punishment in schools. And I sure as hell am against bullying. But you have to admit, the smug factor in this country just might decline if you knew this guy could legally take a swing at you some day:
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“Hey…we’re only doing this for your own good.”


Blogger anne altman said...

yeah, man. i'd punch the shit out of people if i didn't hate violence so much. and people.

4:04 PM  
Blogger Chas Chesterfield Esq. said...

Violence sucks, this is true. But still you've got to imagine the expression on Rick Santorum's face if someone slapped him silly.

6:23 PM  

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